Tabula Rasa

This past week...well, maybe just the last half of the week....I didn't eat a damn thing I was supposed to. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I, too, am sick and tired of beans. I hate them, I don't want them, go away. However, eating this way is the first time I've ever lost weight that I can remember. And it felt good to accomplish something, but what the fuck? Beans?!? Ugh.

So I thought to myself, 'self, you can do this without having to follow this to the T.' Not so much though. It's like as soon as I made up my mind to not eat another bean, I also decided, well, I can have limited carbs. Which turned into ordering a #7 and cheesy gordita crunch at Taco Bell. I can see why Ruby's team of specialist told her she had to keep eating her Hour Glass meals. I don't know what to call myself. I mean, when Miss D made a menu for us, I started getting stressed out and discouraged because I felt like I had to make and eat the things that were on it. Really, it was merely a suggestion to make meal planning easier. Needless to say I don't like feeling restricted. Then when I just started cooking whatever, but still sticking to the diet, it started working and I felt like awesome, I can do this. But then when I thought to modify it to include things like fruits, it's like I just went crazy and had 80 bowls of cereal. I don't know where to find the happy medium, and I'm scared that I won't ever be able to eat like a normal person. Sigh. Where does it end?!?

I went out last night and it reminded me of why I hardly ever go out anymore. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin, it's ridiculous. And of course I was out with all my skinny friends, so that made it even better. The first thing I do when I walk into a room is scan to see who's looking at me and possibly making faces or laughing. It's a sickness, I can't help it. Usually no one is looking, but that's because they're busy checking out my friends. Which is kind of okay because I don't go out looking for someone to hook up with, but it would be nice to be noticed. So this has given me motivation again to get back on track. This next week is probably a bad time to do it, seeing as how I'm probably going to Mardi Gras, but I'll just have to do my best.  I'm thinking same routine, less bean. Because for real, if I have to eat one more bean....

Wish me luck.

-D

Day blahblahblahblahblah

I'm over it. OMG. If I eat one more fucking bean...I mean I can do everything else...but my motivation is starting to teeter. I mean really...If I eat one more fucking bean. I've been trying to suck it up. I've been trying to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but as D pointed out to me the other day, we are busting our asses to lose 20lbs in 30days, when in reality the weight lost process for the both of us will go beyond 30 days and 20lbs. And I don't know if its a lack of carbs but I'm really starting to dream about things like cereal and milk...or just a simple pb&j. I want them all the time now.

So I went to the store and purchased the Eat This Not That series (the restuarant guide and the shopping guide). I already owned three books that focus on the Glycemic Index (a cookbook, a shopping guide, and a general book). As I mentioned before I did slim fast for a month, so I have that resource. I figure if I put this stuff together I can make it work. Being healthy is a lifestyle change and I have over 100lbs lose, thats not going to happen in 5 months (if I stay on the bean diet) I have to figure out how to balance eating healthy and staying active.

I know a few people that have done it on their own, no gimmicks, no surgeries, just natural weight loss. I need to get focused again, because really...If i eat one more bean...

Peace

Day 16

I went for a walk on Thursday and loved it. If I had one good thing to say about this diet, its that its given me more energy later in the day than I've ever had. Typically after eating like crap all day I'm ready to go to bed at 8pm...Now I'm wide awake at 11pm and still able to get up and function like a normal person at 6am. The weight is still the same, but I haven't had beans in a whole week. So we'll see what happens when I start incorporating that back in.

But back to this whole walking thing. I can't believe I actually enjoyed it. Most of the time any type of exercise feels like a chore (unless its playing a sport like basketball or flag football). But I walked 2 miles and felt like I could have done another 2 miles when it was all said and done. I don't know how much walking I'll be able to squeeze in in the next couple of weeks, since we'll be moving. But I will definitely try, because that is one form of exercise I'm down with. I could even see myself doing that every other day .

Peace

Day 12

I too am the same weight from Saturday, but what my trusty fitness guru friend informed me is that on average people should lose about 1lb a week. So I'm not stressing. I lost 10lbs in a week. I've never lost 10lbs in a week. LOL...

Some things that I know I've been doing different is I haven't had beans with every meal. (Sometimes you just get beaned out). I've mostly been eating vegetables and meat. Maybe the beans are the key factor in this diet and not eating them fucks up the whole deal. Also I've been eating out a lot. Its always only vegetables and meat, but maybe eating majority of your meals at home are another factor is being successful at this.

I don't know why I haven't lost another pound, but if the point of the diet is 20lbs in 30days... that's about 5lbs a week. My weight lost from last week should hold me over lol. After this cheat day though I'm back on the grind...just protein, legumes, vegetables...thats it. Trying to mix it up, for me, is what's throwing me off.

I've read the comments on the blog where I found this diet and 90% of the women mention that they go through stagnant phases. Knowing that this is common helps me keep my eye on the prize. Now is the time for me. Even if I don't lose a single damn pound in the next coming days, I will continue this diet because I've seen the outcome in person. And its not like those fake ass diet commercials. Witnessing a human being lose weight is inspiring. Will it get hard at times? For sure. But the reward will be so much better. I made a promise to myself and I'm not going to break it. 6months on this diet. Whether J or D stay on it is up to them, but I will still be here bitching and complaining, celebrating and hoping through this journey.

Peace

I.AM.ANNOYED

Weighed in this morning. Still at the same weight I was at LAST FRIDAY. Hence, the annoyance. I'm not doing anything differently than I did last week so why the fuck is the scale not moving? This is why I didn't ever weigh myself. Here I am depriving myself of all the good stuff I'm used to eating, and nothing is happening. So what's the point?

I'm going to try not to say fuck it and quit. I'm gonna go till the end of this month. But I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be hard.

D's Day 10...well, day 9 maybe

The reason I say that is last week, I didn't start on Sunday (Superbowl party, who can pass that up?) Even without the extra day, I still lost 7 lbs this week. And this past Sunday, I was so aggravated about a lot of things that all I wanted to do was immerse myself in a vat of mint chocolate chip ice cream. I told Miss D that I felt as though 7 lbs for 5 days was pretty good, and maybe I should make Saturday AND Sunday my cheat days. However, she helped me to see the error of my thinking by letting me know it would have almost a gateway effect. So I stayed strong. It's not that I'm hungry really, I just miss the full feeling  you get from potatoes, rice, noodles....all the shit we can't have. Unlike Miss D, I don't have a significant other going through the same thing. He, unfortunately, is skinny as a fucking rail and eats whatever he wants. And get this...since we've met, the bastard gained about 20 lbs AND HE'S STILL SKINNY. 

Ugh. Life isn't fair. 

I made salmon tonight. It was pretty good, not gonna lie. Of course, the significant other bitched about it because he claims he's allergic to fish. Which I happen to know isn't true b/c we've had sushi. He got sick eating fish once so now he's scared of it. Needless to say I was not happy about this. Here I am slaving over a hot stove for him to complain? So i told his ass to eat rice and green beans. I wish I had someone who understood. Not that he's not great about it. I go out of my way to make him some sort of starch so that he doesn't suffer with me, which he seems to appreciate. He's encouraging, but he has always said "it doesn't matter to me." It being my weight. I feel like men always say that, until a tall, slim brunette with a nice ass and perky tits comes strolling by.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing this for me. But I'd be lying if I said a little bit of it wasn't to attract some attention.

Day 10

I find its the little things I miss...warm cookies and milk, cereal and milk, cake and milk, pb&j and milk...I'm sensing a pattern. D brought up an interesting point to me the other day, if we can eat low fat cheese how come we can't drink low fat milk? Truth is I don't know the answer to that. And even if there were an answer I'm not sure I want to know. Cause the reality is we probably shouldn't be eating the cheese either.

Other than breakfast today, I've had a salad for my last 3 meals. Which I must say is pretty darn good. I'm usually not able to eat a salad for one meal let alone 3 different meals. I know that what happened the first week probably won't be repeating this week ( I mean who loses 10lbs in a week), so I'm going to start throwing in some sort of exercising. What's good about that is, if you do 30mins or more of cardio you can have carbs immediately after. I would giving anything right now for some bread....or potatoes...or something carby...

Despite my random cravings, I'm feeling good. I've never looked forward to getting on the scale more. I just can't wait to see the results at the end of the 30 days :-)

My Skinny List

As a rule of thumb its typically good to have a "clothing" goal in mind on the road to losing weight. Just like that Yoplait commercial where the girl hangs up her yellow polka dot bikini on the door and uses it for inspiration to lose weight. My clothing goal is a fitted graphic tee. Right now if I were to rock that my belly and boobs would stretch the graphic to the point of non-comprehension. I want people to be able to look at it and get it and not have to tell me to turn to the side so they can see the rest of it.

I also wanna rock a tie (must be the butch gay thing lol). I own a few, but when I wear them they stop at or above my belly button (and this is with it loose around my neck). I just want to wear a tie and have it look normal, and not like I'm an adult rocking a kiddie tie.

I've mentioned this before but I wanna be able to tuck my shirt in.

I want to run a marathon too. I even bought a book about how to train for it.

I wanna fly...anywhere. The day I can fit comfortably in an airplane seat (and not need a seatbelt extender) will be the day!

I wanna cut my hair, and not be detered by my chubby round face.

I want to buy normal sized bras from normal places. If you can only shop for your bras online because nobody carries your bra size (not even Lane Bryant) there is a problem.

Its no fun being fat. Its no fun going to restaurants and sizing up the booth wondering if you will fit comfortably. Its no fun being kicked off a theme park ride because the safety bar won't come down all the way. I just want to be able to move through life comfortably.

So those are my skinny aspirations :-)

Day 8

Ok...Lets start with the Cheat Day was AWESOME. D, my girlfriend, and I went to the best breakfast place in town. Didn't really go too crazy, but let me tell you, Banana~Chocolate pancakes is where its at lol. Afterwards we walked around Ikea, which felt like we were secretly exercising while we shopped.

D and I went to Bloomies and walked around looking at all the shit we can't wear now, but maybe...someday lol...It was hilarious. She picked out this Tina Turner type dress with the shimmy shit on it. lol...I was like who wears that. "When you're skinny you can get away with wearing anything." LOL this is true. Later that day my girlfriend and I ate Mickey D's...then we went furniture shopping again. After we got wore out from that we came home and ordered a Large pepperoni pizza.

So that was my cheat day. What I enjoyed about it was that we kinda sorta exercised by walking around 3-4 stores after each meal. Today is a new day. Back to the grind. This week I'm just going to wing the meals and hope I cook something good lol. I felt like last week when I planned everything there was too much pressure to follow our menu. And you never know what may come up. I may not feel like eating leftovers or cooking, I may want to go get some Chipotle.

One week down...I've lost 10lbs which is awesome. I'm gonna write my "When I'm skinny list" later. It'll probably be a little different from D's. I think straight chubby girls and lezzie chubby girls have different skinny aspirations lol.

Peace

My To Do When I'm Skinny list

1. Wear heels...skinny ones. Most women do this and don't even think about this. I, however, have not worn heels ever in my life. I don't think "chunky" ones count. I want 5 inch heels to go with my #2, which is 

2. Wear dresses. Again, this is something else I don't do because I have legs like tree trunks. Not attractive. 

3. Go to Universal, Sea World, WDW...etc. Here's a little secret. I've always said I hate Disney. I don't really. What I hate is having to pretend to not like it so I'm not embarrassed by the fact that I usually can't fit in the seats. I can't walk around as fast, or as long, as all my friends, and let's not even talk about the heat factor. It's a fatty's worst nightmare. That translates to all the parks.

4. Be on top. Yes, I'm referring to what you think I am. I had hip surgery on 5th and 7th grades (which I'll discuss later) and I've always used that as my excuse to not ride it cowgirl style. Honestly, it's because I'm fat. One, I don't want to crush the person beneath me and two, I'd rather not have them be able to stare at all my less than glory. Laying down, at least everything kind of spreads out. 

5. Run a marathon...or at least a 5k. Contrary to popular belief, not all fat people are lazy. At this weight, running hurts my knees and the left one cracks with every step. Not a good feeling. But I want to be active and get out and do shit. But not as a fatty. 

6. Buy regular deodorant. I used to wear regular old degree. Then I gained more weight and wore Mitchum. Then I gained more weight, and now I wear clinical strength. I just want to go to Wal-Mart, grab some Secret, and be out.

7. Get a pedicure....that lasts. Turns out my weight causes more problems than I ever thought. I have super cracked heels. So bad so that a pedicure barely lasts a week. I always thought maybe I just had severe dry skin; however, turns out that due to my feet holding so much weight, the skin on my heels cracks. Yeah, how gross is that?

Clearly, my list is longer than 7. But it's a start.

Day Six

Thought I'd change it up a bit and not eat my typical breakfast. I had a pork chop and some baked beans. It was pretty yum-o-licious. I put a little ketchup on my pork and it added to the awesomeness. For lunch I'm pretty much eating the same thing, just add in some veggies.

Leftovers for breakfast was ideal because I was so tired. This whole cooking for 3 meals a day is tiring. So I'll probably venture more into eating leftovers for breakfast.

Oh Snap! D posted an entry. Lol...now the title of the blog link makes sense. I am also excited about tomorrow. I just hope I don't wipe myself out at breakfast and be full the rest of the day...that would suck...

Come on Saturday!!

So I've finally appeared. I thought maybe writing about my weight loss and all the trials and tribulations that come with it may help. I've honestly just been too lazy to do it. Must be a recurring theme in my life. But no matter. I'm changing that.

I never used to weigh myself, so up until Monday, I only had a weight guesstimate. Since embarking on this diet, I now know how much I weigh. Which I won't be disclosing here (I mean, I was just now able to share that with myself; it'll take a little while to share with everyone else). But I can say it's day 5 and as of yesterday, I've lost 5 lbs. Holy shit! I don't think I've ever lost 5 lbs in my life. I'm trying not to think of it as being a drop in the ocean, because let's be real. I've got about 5 cheerleaders of weight to lose. But weighing myself everyday is actually keeping me motivated.

With that said, tomorrow is cheat day and I'm so effing excited! When I first started this I told myself that come cheat day, I'm not going to go crazy because then come the day after, it will be that much harder to get back on track. Fuck that shit. I think I might have a pbj sandwich for breakfast, washed down with an ice cold glass of milk. And maybe some cereal. Then maybe sushi for lunch...the possibilites are endless.

This is probably the first eating lifestyle I have tried that has ever worked for me. I'm not so much of a rule follower and HAVING to eat this meal or that meal at this time is not something that works for me. I might actually be skinny by my high school reunion. Hot damn.

Day Five

Did I mention that I can't wait until Saturday? Lol.

Today is going good so far. I ate 2 hard boiled eggs, some carrots, and baked beans. One thing I've realized is that you shouldn't re-heat baked beans in the microwave. They explode and let off some sort of toxic fume that is not cool lol. I may just re-heat them in a pot like I do everything else. Lunch was suppose to be pork chops, mixed veggies, and great northern beans, but we're kind of off a day so thats actually for dinner. The salsa chicken I was suppose to eat yesterday is for lunch.

So far I've lost 6lbs and its only been 5 days. I try not to get on the scale everyday, but I can't help it. I wanna know are the pounds really slipping away or is it just my imagination. The only time I don't want to get on the scale is after a cheat day. For fear that I've gained every ounce back. I usually wait a couple of days.

The next step is to start adding exercise into this regime. But for now I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, and try not to get to excited every time I shed a pound. :-p


Peace

Day Four

What I don't like about diets are restrictions. As my friend and I discussed yesterday telling us what we can't eat will only make us want it more. But on this particular diet there is so much we can eat you almost forget about the other stuff. The guy who hipped me to this diet says its best to look at your meals on a grade scale, did you have an "A" day or a "C" day.

An A day is like grilled chicken breasts, black beans, and some veggies. A C day would be like fried chicken, beans, and salad with dressing. So I aim for B+ days. I typically eat 3 meals a day breakfast consisting of eggs, spinach, and baked beans. Lunch is usually some type of meat (either chicken breast, thigh, lean steak, or pork) veggies, and beans. And dinner is usually the same layout as lunch.

Today is a B+ day. I had my usual breakfast. For lunch I'm having Salsa Chicken, with black beans and mixed veggies. For dinner, I'm using leftover steak to make a salad (thanks for the tip D!). What's also good about this diet is that I can go to Chipotle, or Qdoba, or Moe's and get the same essential items I need to eat for this diet.

Plus...I can eat whatever the hell I want on my cheat day...(Saturday can't come fast enough lol.)

Here's to no restrictions!

Peace

Day Three

I feel better than I felt yesterday. Adding more beans definitely helped fill us up. I must say I was not that impressed with my ribs last night. Typically when I cook babyback ribs I do a simple house seasoning, throw on some bbq sauce, wrap them tightly in foil and bake for about 1hr 30mins. At which point the meat is so F-n tender and falling off the bone you never want to stop eating it.

But last night was not like that. My girlfriend had to use a knife...I was sad :-( So I'm over babyback ribs for a while. Lol. I think I'm getting into a decent rhythm with the meals. Now that I'm not calorie counting fixing plates and packing lunches are much easier. So far I've lost a pound...but its only day three. I'm not going to go celebrate just yet.

I'm very optimistic, but I have to find a new snack because peanuts and string cheese aren't cutting it anymore. Anywho...to the 2 people out there that actually read this blog, thanks for the love and support! Having a support system (even in a virtual world) is a very good feeling.

Peace Out

Day Two

I can do this...I think lol. So far so good. I was a little strict on the bean intake yesterday which is probably why we weren't full. I checked the diet blog today and the writer says eat as much as you like of the following...

Proteins:
Egg whites with one whole egg for flavor
Chicken breast or thigh
Grass-fed organic beef
Pork

Legumes:
Lentils
Black beans
Pinto beans

Vegetables:
Spinach
Asparagus
Peas
Mixed vegetables

So guess I can be a little more lenient with the food distribution lol. Cause 1/2 cup of beans per meal is just not cutting it lol. I guess its not about counting calories, its just about eating these particular foods to aid in you weight loss progress.

Had I known that I would have gotten another slab of ribs lol...The best thing about this diet is I can basically eat all the spanish food my heart desires (as long as its meat, beans, and veggies)...

Through it all I'm mostly looking forward to Saturday. Cause Saturday is cheat day. Nuff said!

First Video Blog (or vlog)...

Peace Out.